Missing my Brother Matt

Well I was sitting in the waiting area at gymnastics when I read Jaynelle's post. Not good......in seconds I went from laughing and talking to those around me to trying to hide my tears and sniffles. Judging by the looks I got I wasn't too successful. Even right now I can't hold back the tears.
When I was reading the sweet email that Jaynelle wrote I was struck by her descriptions of Matt. Its the exactly the same Matt that I knew too. Growing up I always felt like Matt had my back. He's the reason I grew out my hair, wore sandals with no socks, wore baggie clothes and I could go on. I valued Matt's opinion because I knew that it can from a place of sincerity. We made promises to one another and shared stories. My friends that I have here in Iowa always call me hippie. I'm sure I got my hippie from Matt. I think we are so much alike. I'm probably more like him than I even realized. I don't think Matt liked feeling controlled, neither do I and I tend to rebel against it. Matt preferred to just go with the flow, as do I. Matt valued friendships as much as he values family and so do I. When Matt loves something, he loves it hard. And yes, me too. Matt often made decisions with his feelings and impulses....and that's something I have to control too.
I know without any hesitation that Matt has been near to me recently. There was an evening not that long ago that I was in the garage painting furniture. It had been a particularly hard week for me. I was sitting in the garage when all of a sudden I felt Matt's presence. Although I could not see Matt I felt him there. It was such a sure feeling I would never be able to deny it. He was watching over me like he had before many times. I honestly feel him doing well. Free of pain. I know he's happy where he is and cares about the people he loves even more than before when he was with us.
Today I miss him a lot. I know that he knows that. I know he's grateful for us just as we are so grateful to call him our brother, son, and friend. With love,
Jen
PS-Thanks for your post Jaynelle. It was so sweet.

Remembering Matt

It has taken me a long time to build up the courage to write
this. I have tried many times and could not do it. When I was informed of
Matt's passing I felt as if a piece of my foundation crumbled. I would have
done anything for Matt, and I only wish I would have had that opportunity to
show him that one last time before he died. I often think that perhaps he would
still be alive today had I known.

Matt and I met at an LDS church dance the summer of 1994 when I was 15 years
old. After that, I think I probably spent every free minute I had with him. I
had my first date with Matt. I had my first kiss with Matt. He was my first
love. However, what meant so much to me was the depth of our friendship. Since
I was a small child I have felt misunderstood. Unfortunately, this caused me to
struggle in social relationships growing up. I had friends, but they were
always at an arm’s length. Matt was the first friend that made me feel
completely comfortable with myself. I didn't feel the same frustration that I
did with other people in my life. Matt had a way of understanding me in a way
that no one else could. My anxiety, which has plagued me my whole life, did not
affect me when I was with Matt. In high school, when I was experiencing some
family problems, Matt and his family treated me like one of their own. Getting
to know Nancy and Jennie meant allot to me during that period of time. If I was
having a particularly unpleasant day and needed to get away from things, they
were there. I remember the comforting feeling of sitting in the Crawford's
kitchen while Matt cooked me eggs. I wish I could go back to one of those
moments in time.

Knowing Matt also meant knowing a unique and special soul. I have never met
another person like Matt. He was kind, generous and compassionate. His ability
to see a person for who they are inside without judgment was unparalleled.
I have so many funny and special memories of Matt that it is hard to decide
what to write. Matt had the same adventurous spirit as I did. Once Matt and I
took my little red Nissan Sentra up the side of a mountain that overlooked
Spokane. It was a beautiful and the stars were really bright. Matt and I sat in
the car for a long time, just taking in the scenery and talking. It was really
nice. When it started to get late we decided to call it a night. We then
discovered that my car would not start. Just perfect. Under normal
circumstances this would have sent me into a panic. Yet, Matt seemed to always
know what to do to make it an adventure instead of a problem. We took out my
little flashlight. Matt got out of the car while I stayed in to steer. We put
the car in neutral and Matt slowly guided my car all the way down the side of
the mountain in the pitch black night. We were laughing and joking the whole
time, even though I ended up missing my curfew by almost an hour!
Once, while Matt and I were hiking around the lake, I stepped in a huge puddle
and soaked my shoes. Matt would not allow me to walk in those wet shoes. He
stopped and made me sit down while he put his dry socks and shoes on my feet
and walked barefoot all the way back to the car. Matt was always doing things
like that. He was such a good person, a good man. Every time Matt did something
like this for me I secretly thanked God that he had Nancy and Gayle as parents,
because they taught Matt how to respect women and treat everyone with love and
kindness.

It didn't matter what Matt and I did, as long as we were together. As an adult
with hindsight I know now that for a few years my life revolved around him more
than any other obligation. My life was a little off balanced, but at the time I
just didn't care. There was nowhere else I could be that made me feel special,
where I can breath and just be me. Matt made me feel like I was the most
important person in the world when we were together.
When Matt and I stopped dating our friendship was still the same. We were still
very important to one another. When we went on dates with other people we would
always talk about it and give each other advice and our opinion. My senior year
of high school my father decided that I needed to go to Salt Lake City to live
with my aunt. I was not doing well in school. The goal of this was meant to
help me "prioritize" my life. Living so far from Matt was hard on me.
We continued to talk as often as we could. When Matt moved to Oregon our phone
chats became fewer. We were both busy with our lives. We visited when we could
but not as often as I would have liked.

What I was discovering, in my own love life, was that there was no way I would
ever find another person that would treat me the way Matt did. I held the men I
dated to his standard, which meant that my relationships didn't last long. Matt
and I could go a few months without talking. Then, if I had a problem that I
needed to talk about, I could usually find him somewhere and get him on the
phone. Day or night, he would drop everything and always knew the right things
to say to make me feel at ease. I miss that so much.
In 2005 I drove down to Eugene to visit Matt. This would be the last time I
would see Matt alive on this earth. We drove to the coast, to a beach called
Florence. It was a beautiful day. Only slightly windy with fluffy white clouds.
I took pictures of the scenery, of Matt. That picture is included somewhere on this
blog. We just sat on a hill of sand and watched the waves. One of my favorite
memories of Matt. He sat and got all of the sand out of my shoes before we
stood up to leave. I always loved the way Matt would place his hand on the
small of my back to keep me steady as we climbed down the hill. Always so loving
and protective. We hiked in the old growth forest surrounding Eugene, watched
the sun go down. I wish so much that I could revisit that day. Just for 5
minutes.

It was difficult to connect with Matt after this last visit. He moved around
and he didn't have a phone. Sometimes I could get him on the phone at work,
just to check and see how he was doing. Sometimes I got ahold of his uncle to
find out if Matt was doing well. Matt enjoyed being a free spirit, and he
enjoyed the feeling of not being easily found. It was just how he was. I
finished college and carried on with my life, exchanging emails and talking to
him as much as possible. It didn't matter how long it had been since out last
connection. It was always like we had just seen each other yesterday, and I
loved the safety and security our friendship offered one another.
Life is fragile. Life cannot be taken for granted. I learned this lesson when
Matt died. I thought we had the rest of our lives to be friends, reconnect.
Matt always told me that we would always be friends no matter what. I held on
to this. Now that the reality has settled and I know it won’t ever be the way
it was.

I miss you so very much. I wish I could see you, give you a big hug, and
take off on another one of our drives like we used to do. I wish I could hear
your goofy laugh and see your smile. I wish I could sit on your parent’s lawn
and watch you and your neighbor play basketball. I even miss the times you
chased me hugged me with your nasty sweaty basketball clothes! (Hahaha). I miss
watching MTV with you and Cory and Trevor in the basement, watching you guys
fight over who was going to use the computer and getting mad when someone used
the phone and killed the Internet connection! I miss sitting there with Matt
joking with Trevor as he sat in the corner and listened to those trucker
radios.

Every memory I have of Matt is like a shining light among a grey, drab
background. There are so much of my teen years that I don't like to remember.
My friendship with Matt contributed enormously to my core self. He was a
kindred spirit to me. Something I may never find again. When my daughter was
born he agreed to be her godfather. I hope that we can continue after we join
him in heaven.

I know Matt is happy and healthy and his very best self in heaven. Sometimes I
feel it, and I am reassured that he is doing perfect.
I have tried to stay in contact with Matt's family. I hope that can continue.
Talking to Trevor, Jennie and Nancy make me feel closer to Matt. I love how the
Crawford family has kept Matt’s memory alive.
Thank you God for putting Matt in my life, and for changing me forever. I love
you and hope to see you again one day my dear friend.