Missing my Brother Matt

Well I was sitting in the waiting area at gymnastics when I read Jaynelle's post. Not good......in seconds I went from laughing and talking to those around me to trying to hide my tears and sniffles. Judging by the looks I got I wasn't too successful. Even right now I can't hold back the tears.
When I was reading the sweet email that Jaynelle wrote I was struck by her descriptions of Matt. Its the exactly the same Matt that I knew too. Growing up I always felt like Matt had my back. He's the reason I grew out my hair, wore sandals with no socks, wore baggie clothes and I could go on. I valued Matt's opinion because I knew that it can from a place of sincerity. We made promises to one another and shared stories. My friends that I have here in Iowa always call me hippie. I'm sure I got my hippie from Matt. I think we are so much alike. I'm probably more like him than I even realized. I don't think Matt liked feeling controlled, neither do I and I tend to rebel against it. Matt preferred to just go with the flow, as do I. Matt valued friendships as much as he values family and so do I. When Matt loves something, he loves it hard. And yes, me too. Matt often made decisions with his feelings and impulses....and that's something I have to control too.
I know without any hesitation that Matt has been near to me recently. There was an evening not that long ago that I was in the garage painting furniture. It had been a particularly hard week for me. I was sitting in the garage when all of a sudden I felt Matt's presence. Although I could not see Matt I felt him there. It was such a sure feeling I would never be able to deny it. He was watching over me like he had before many times. I honestly feel him doing well. Free of pain. I know he's happy where he is and cares about the people he loves even more than before when he was with us.
Today I miss him a lot. I know that he knows that. I know he's grateful for us just as we are so grateful to call him our brother, son, and friend. With love,
Jen
PS-Thanks for your post Jaynelle. It was so sweet.

Remembering Matt

It has taken me a long time to build up the courage to write
this. I have tried many times and could not do it. When I was informed of
Matt's passing I felt as if a piece of my foundation crumbled. I would have
done anything for Matt, and I only wish I would have had that opportunity to
show him that one last time before he died. I often think that perhaps he would
still be alive today had I known.

Matt and I met at an LDS church dance the summer of 1994 when I was 15 years
old. After that, I think I probably spent every free minute I had with him. I
had my first date with Matt. I had my first kiss with Matt. He was my first
love. However, what meant so much to me was the depth of our friendship. Since
I was a small child I have felt misunderstood. Unfortunately, this caused me to
struggle in social relationships growing up. I had friends, but they were
always at an arm’s length. Matt was the first friend that made me feel
completely comfortable with myself. I didn't feel the same frustration that I
did with other people in my life. Matt had a way of understanding me in a way
that no one else could. My anxiety, which has plagued me my whole life, did not
affect me when I was with Matt. In high school, when I was experiencing some
family problems, Matt and his family treated me like one of their own. Getting
to know Nancy and Jennie meant allot to me during that period of time. If I was
having a particularly unpleasant day and needed to get away from things, they
were there. I remember the comforting feeling of sitting in the Crawford's
kitchen while Matt cooked me eggs. I wish I could go back to one of those
moments in time.

Knowing Matt also meant knowing a unique and special soul. I have never met
another person like Matt. He was kind, generous and compassionate. His ability
to see a person for who they are inside without judgment was unparalleled.
I have so many funny and special memories of Matt that it is hard to decide
what to write. Matt had the same adventurous spirit as I did. Once Matt and I
took my little red Nissan Sentra up the side of a mountain that overlooked
Spokane. It was a beautiful and the stars were really bright. Matt and I sat in
the car for a long time, just taking in the scenery and talking. It was really
nice. When it started to get late we decided to call it a night. We then
discovered that my car would not start. Just perfect. Under normal
circumstances this would have sent me into a panic. Yet, Matt seemed to always
know what to do to make it an adventure instead of a problem. We took out my
little flashlight. Matt got out of the car while I stayed in to steer. We put
the car in neutral and Matt slowly guided my car all the way down the side of
the mountain in the pitch black night. We were laughing and joking the whole
time, even though I ended up missing my curfew by almost an hour!
Once, while Matt and I were hiking around the lake, I stepped in a huge puddle
and soaked my shoes. Matt would not allow me to walk in those wet shoes. He
stopped and made me sit down while he put his dry socks and shoes on my feet
and walked barefoot all the way back to the car. Matt was always doing things
like that. He was such a good person, a good man. Every time Matt did something
like this for me I secretly thanked God that he had Nancy and Gayle as parents,
because they taught Matt how to respect women and treat everyone with love and
kindness.

It didn't matter what Matt and I did, as long as we were together. As an adult
with hindsight I know now that for a few years my life revolved around him more
than any other obligation. My life was a little off balanced, but at the time I
just didn't care. There was nowhere else I could be that made me feel special,
where I can breath and just be me. Matt made me feel like I was the most
important person in the world when we were together.
When Matt and I stopped dating our friendship was still the same. We were still
very important to one another. When we went on dates with other people we would
always talk about it and give each other advice and our opinion. My senior year
of high school my father decided that I needed to go to Salt Lake City to live
with my aunt. I was not doing well in school. The goal of this was meant to
help me "prioritize" my life. Living so far from Matt was hard on me.
We continued to talk as often as we could. When Matt moved to Oregon our phone
chats became fewer. We were both busy with our lives. We visited when we could
but not as often as I would have liked.

What I was discovering, in my own love life, was that there was no way I would
ever find another person that would treat me the way Matt did. I held the men I
dated to his standard, which meant that my relationships didn't last long. Matt
and I could go a few months without talking. Then, if I had a problem that I
needed to talk about, I could usually find him somewhere and get him on the
phone. Day or night, he would drop everything and always knew the right things
to say to make me feel at ease. I miss that so much.
In 2005 I drove down to Eugene to visit Matt. This would be the last time I
would see Matt alive on this earth. We drove to the coast, to a beach called
Florence. It was a beautiful day. Only slightly windy with fluffy white clouds.
I took pictures of the scenery, of Matt. That picture is included somewhere on this
blog. We just sat on a hill of sand and watched the waves. One of my favorite
memories of Matt. He sat and got all of the sand out of my shoes before we
stood up to leave. I always loved the way Matt would place his hand on the
small of my back to keep me steady as we climbed down the hill. Always so loving
and protective. We hiked in the old growth forest surrounding Eugene, watched
the sun go down. I wish so much that I could revisit that day. Just for 5
minutes.

It was difficult to connect with Matt after this last visit. He moved around
and he didn't have a phone. Sometimes I could get him on the phone at work,
just to check and see how he was doing. Sometimes I got ahold of his uncle to
find out if Matt was doing well. Matt enjoyed being a free spirit, and he
enjoyed the feeling of not being easily found. It was just how he was. I
finished college and carried on with my life, exchanging emails and talking to
him as much as possible. It didn't matter how long it had been since out last
connection. It was always like we had just seen each other yesterday, and I
loved the safety and security our friendship offered one another.
Life is fragile. Life cannot be taken for granted. I learned this lesson when
Matt died. I thought we had the rest of our lives to be friends, reconnect.
Matt always told me that we would always be friends no matter what. I held on
to this. Now that the reality has settled and I know it won’t ever be the way
it was.

I miss you so very much. I wish I could see you, give you a big hug, and
take off on another one of our drives like we used to do. I wish I could hear
your goofy laugh and see your smile. I wish I could sit on your parent’s lawn
and watch you and your neighbor play basketball. I even miss the times you
chased me hugged me with your nasty sweaty basketball clothes! (Hahaha). I miss
watching MTV with you and Cory and Trevor in the basement, watching you guys
fight over who was going to use the computer and getting mad when someone used
the phone and killed the Internet connection! I miss sitting there with Matt
joking with Trevor as he sat in the corner and listened to those trucker
radios.

Every memory I have of Matt is like a shining light among a grey, drab
background. There are so much of my teen years that I don't like to remember.
My friendship with Matt contributed enormously to my core self. He was a
kindred spirit to me. Something I may never find again. When my daughter was
born he agreed to be her godfather. I hope that we can continue after we join
him in heaven.

I know Matt is happy and healthy and his very best self in heaven. Sometimes I
feel it, and I am reassured that he is doing perfect.
I have tried to stay in contact with Matt's family. I hope that can continue.
Talking to Trevor, Jennie and Nancy make me feel closer to Matt. I love how the
Crawford family has kept Matt’s memory alive.
Thank you God for putting Matt in my life, and for changing me forever. I love
you and hope to see you again one day my dear friend.

Stories of Matthew

We are celebrating Matt's Birthday. I wonder if he knows how much we are thinking of him. I think he does know. The following is a portion of the eulogy given at Matt's funeral. Bob did a wonderful job. He had us crying and laughing at the same time. 

"Born with a basketball in his hands, Matt loved all sports and things outdoors from his earliest days. Run, wrestle, throw and bat; Matt tested the strength and will of his older siblings from the git-go. He was “The Natural” when it came to anything athletic.

Dad, with a fair amount of pride, tells the T-Ball story of the game when Cory was on the pitcher’s mound with Matt playing first base (most kids were not expected to know that much about the game at T-Ball age). With the bases loaded, the batter hit the teed ball to Cory who immediately threw the ball to Matt at first base for one out; Matt, with the savvy of a seasoned player, threw the ball to third base going for a double play. No one else saw the possibility of the double play (including the third baseman) … thank goodness Matt’s throw was a little high or the third baseman would have been pegged.

 One evening Nan and Gayle were out on a date when Matt took up the challenge from neighbor Mike McKinney to race bikes around the block. The race was going well until Matt and a car collided; Matt did a complete 360 flip and initially landed on his feet … until momentum kicked in and he completed a 450 landing face down … bounced up and was okay.

Cousin Maria (10 days younger than Matt) remembers how great it was to have cousins close by for several years at Offutt AFB and that the Crawford and Egbert kids would play together often. She remembers playing “Starwars” where Matt was always Luke Skywalker (appropriate since he is the defender of those unable to take care of themselves).

1989: Moved to Spokane (Otis Orchards), Washington

Attended Mt View Jr. High

1995: Graduated from East Valley High School

Graduated from 4 years of early morning Seminary

Snowboard; more than just a “boarder,” he also worked at Mt. Spokane, during the summer clearing trails and winter working the lifts. His favorite ski area was Mt Hood, Oregon. Matt found a way to use his snowboard in the “off season” with the family trampoline; he strapped his board on and would then jump on the tramp doing kicks and flips and whatever else an avid nutcase with a snowboard strapped to his feet on a trampoline would do.

4-brother football; intense games played often these very close in age boys as they tore up the backyard with heroic feats of daring and football prowess.

Keith, Elby, Eric, Matt, and Cory

Matt loved the outdoors. He loved fishing, hiking and camping as much as anyone. He would rather sleep outside than indoors almost any night.

Ski-jog; this is an interesting winter “sport” wherein the “skier” hangs on to the bumper of an unsuspecting car on icy, snow-packed roads and “skis” behind it. Matt was not only competent at this daring sport, he also taught it to his baby sister, Jennie.

Potato gun (outlawed by mom … until the boys showed her the gun could launch black walnuts out of the yard; good to go after that).

Matt loved cooking and trying new dishes; one of Mom’s favorites was taking a flat taco shell, putting lettuce on it, sprinkling it with cheese and baking it for a few minutes … which may help explain why Nan is so slender …

Water balloons off the downtown Spokane Parkade – never got caught but had to outrun some law enforcement officers …

Great helper around the house and did a superb job cleaning bathrooms … so long as he had “his” music (alternative) he would work up a storm doing chores.

“His” music; Matt loved to play it and loved to play it loud AND he loved to sing along with it. Of note, pretty much unanimous from all family members chatted with that Matt could not carry a tune. Recognizing this deficiency in his persona, Matt took to “flowing rap” and was pretty good at it. He would start a “song” and hand it off to others to pick up and “flow” with.

Matt was more than just a basketball player, he also doubled as a “life skills coach” to those badly in need of it. Jennie, for example, tells that Matt counseled/coached/advised her to; keep her hair long (guys like it), wear sandals without socks (guys like it), make it big with her singing career and he even loaned her baggy clothes because it looked cool. Matt would go out and shoot hoops with Jennie when no one else would and she loved it.

Matt was compassionate and a peacemaker. He loved everyone; I heard this from everyone 1999: Moved out of the house with brother Cory and several friends

Spent some time in Utah before heading back out to a Pacific West state, this time Oregon

While in Utah he stayed with Heather and Keith. Heather tells the story of Matt going out camping with some friends; he came back the next day looking terrible. When asked why he looked so tired, Matt responded that while staying up late talking in the tent his friends had fallen asleep across his sleeping bag. Not wanting to disturb them to get his gear, he spent a sleepless night while they slept soundly.

In Oregon Matt, always a compassionate person dedicated himself to working for those unable to care for themselves. He worked at the Albertina Kerr Centers taking care of special needs adults since 2003. Matt was more than caregiver, he was also an advocate and protector for those needing it most (truly Luke Skywalker); he even stood up to one of his supervisors for not treating some of the special needs adults as they should have.

Matt, professional and personal care giver, cared for all those around him. He willingly gave himself to helping a special friend through trying times over several years of troubles, trials and surgery. He attended support group sessions with her, cried with her and cared for her following life-changing surgery. Elizabeth is ever so grateful for the time Matt spent her and for the difference he made in her life.

We; parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends; are grateful for the unselfish, compassionate, non-judgmental life Matt shared with us. We are thankful for him sharing his passion for life with us. We are thankful for the lessons he taught us. His life was tragically short, but the joy he left us with will last a lifetime.

May we all learn from Matt in our compassion and love for each other …"

Thank you to friends and family who contributed pictures.

Thinking of You today

I'm overwhelmed this morning. I woke up with deep compassion for Matt and what he went through. I'm glad that Matt is in a place that has showed him how to find peace. And I believe he is there. Mathew is an angel in lots of ways. I believe he watches over us and loves us where he is. I feel his presence with me right now.
I am 29. The age that Matt was when he left us here and started his life beyond the veil. This is hugely emotional for me because it reminds me to not take this life for granted and to be the best me that I can right now. Perhaps we can all learn from Matt.
Jen

My Angel From Elizabeth Diane Mashburn

Matthew Ryan Crawford arrived in Eugene Oregon, and into my life, in the summer of 2000. I went to pick him up at the Greyhound bus station which had delivered him from Salt Lake Utah. At the time I had no idea what he would look like since I had only talked with him on the phone at that point. We had developed a great friendship over the line and he had decided to move to Eugene to be near me. I myself, having only been in Oregon for 6 weeks, was excited to have a new acquaintance. Little did I know then, that on that day I met not only the man who was to become my best friend, but my angel as well. When Matt stepped off the bus with basket ball in hand, there was doubt of who he was.

I was blessed to have Matty in my life for 6 years. I believe there is a reason for almost everything, and Matthew came into my world to save me. I was depressed, lonely, and weighing in at 380lbs. At that point in my life I was pretty desperate to find a way out. Matthew helped me change that. He is the one who encouraged me to have the weight loss surgery. He held my hand at support meetings while I cried and went to every doctor’s appointment I had. Mathew was right there when I found out I had finally been approved by the insurance company and we both hugged and wept in joy together. The day of the surgery Matt was right there holding my hand at 6am while they prepped me for my five hour operation. We were both crying and telling each other how much we loved each other as they wheeled me into the operating room. I woke up a several hours later to see Matthew right there sitting by my bed with a giant stuffed orangutan. Even through my pain, Matthew could make me laugh. The next 18 months were very exciting, however, also very difficult. I was losing weight fast and having to over come an addiction to my over eating. Matthew got the blunt end of my anger many times. But he always smiled and told me everything would be ok. He understood and had patience with all of it. I lost a total of 224 lbs and I found my self.

To this day I know I owe much of my happiness to Matty. If it had not been for him and his support, I most likely would not have followed through with the surgery. That is why Matthew is and always will be my Angel.

I have so many other stories of Matthew that I could write about. Stories that would make you laugh out loud and others that would make you weep. But to write all of my memories down would take me years. I have them all in my head and hold them dear to my heart. Yes, I do believe everything happens for a reason. And Matthew Ryan Crawford was my reason.

Where ever you are tonight Matty, “Love you, Miss you Homefries!”

All my love Elizabeth Diane

Dear Matt From Jennie

Dear Matt,

What I would do to see you right now. I’d love to talk to you and try and get deep into your soul and understand more about you. I don’t feel like I was able to spend time with you the last few years of your life with us. I wish everyday and I could make up for that but I hold on to the things that I do know.

I know that you love people. I know that you are kind hearted and love to make people feel special. I know that you stick up for the ones that need a friend. I know that when I was growing up, you made me feel special and talented. You encouraged me and helped me find confidence in myself. You even helped me dress cooler! Now that’s something a good brother would do. I know that you cared for me and wanted me to make good decisions. I remember you were in tune with the things I was doing. One time you even started accusing me of being anorexic at the dinner table because I was not eating enough. It was so funny. I simply wasn’t hungry and you were going to make sure that was the real reason I wasn’t eating more. I know that you loved to have fun. I know that you loved your family and I really know that you loved to be funny and especially make people laugh. You loved to be different. You loved music just as much as I do. I remember you would take your radio into the shower daily to “rock out” to your music that was loud enough for the whole house to hear on any floor. You loved the outdoors and most recreational things you could do in it. You were simple to me. You were someone who didn’t need a lot to be happy. Someone who found fun in life anywhere.

I don’t know the reasons why you were taken so soon. But I do know that you are in a better place and your memory is close to my heart. I will hold onto it until I can see you again. I will take what I know about you and try and be better myself. I will honor your memory and your life by always trying to personally, spiritually and emotionally progress with each year that passes. One thing that you taught me is that life is something that we can’t take for granted. I will try to more honor my own life and those I love who are still with me right now.

You were always the one encouraging me to have a music career. I can’t say that I accomplished that task but I started taking guitar lessons and wrote a song for you that has helped me in many ways. I always thought that you would be the one to help take me further musically. What I didn’t realize was that even now, although you are beyond they veil, you have done that exact thing. When I wrote this song for you, I found hope, courage and confidence in myself and my abilities. My heart was aching and I found hope. In more ways than one.

I love you and I miss you. I’m excited to see you again and tell you about the happiness that I have found in my life because I know that you would be genuinely please to hear of it. You are extremely missed.

You’re Still Here

I can’t find the words, to say what my heart is feeling. I still hurt.

They say, that time will heal a heart. I keep on waiting for that to start.

I cry, every time I see, something that only you would find beautiful like me.

You left, way to soon and I, I do not understand but I will painfully try, I will try. I’ll painfully try.

When life, just seemed so hard to bare. You could always find a smile and peace anywhere.

Last night, I saw you in my dreams. Now I know that you are still watching over me, over me. You’re watching over me.

You’re still here, I hear you

You’re still here, I feel you

You’re still here; I know you’re still right here.

You loved to sleep under the stars. I look up and all I feel is that you’re not far.

The clouds, they circle in the sky. I feel you are close as the wind flowing by.

You are, the sunlight on my face. I feel your warmth everywhere, almost like your sweet embrace.

And then, when we shall meet again. I will smile and say the things that I should have said, should have said. When we meet again.

You’re still here, I hear you

You’re still here, I feel you

You’re still here; I know you’re still right here.

You’re still here, I hear you

You’re still here, I feel you

You’re still here; I know you’re still right here.

I, can’t find the words, to say what my heart is feeling, I don’t hurt.

Love, Your sister Jen